


I'm Not Meant to Have This

by zavegonzo



Category: Hollow Knight (Video Games)
Genre: Angst, Gender Dysphoria, Hollow Knight is named FIll because they're not hollow, Mentioned Hornet (Hollow Knight), Penectomy, Post-Embrace the Void Ending (Hollow Knight), Sex Change, Surgery, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-20
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:47:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25392598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zavegonzo/pseuds/zavegonzo
Summary: Fill (formerly known as the Hollow Knight) has one big problem: their penis. It's making them so dysphoric, they can barely function.They want to get rid of it somehow, but since they already have trauma about blades, they're not sure if they can bring themself to get surgery.What to do...?
Comments: 2
Kudos: 33





	1. Visit to the Therapist

**Author's Note:**

> Projecting my own feelings onto random bugs? In _my_ angsty fanfic? It's more likely than you think.

As they walked to their therapist’s office, they felt some sort of apprehension building in their stomach. The hot summer air in Dirtmouth usually made their mind feel melty, but today was different.

The feelings they had been bottling up were slowly boiling up, and the discomfort of the heat only served to intensify them, like spices skillfully applied to bring out the flavor of a dish. The only thing melty right now was their body, which felt like it was cooking beneath their clothes.

Goodness, were they thankful that Mimi’s office (well, it was technically a giant shell that was hollowed out and made into a home, but it had some sort of professional air about it) had a cooling spell applied to it. Too bad it made the surrounding premises even hotter. They were panting and just about to pass out when they opened the door to see the bespectacled snail.

“Ah, Fill,” he smiled. “Glad to see you made it on time.”

They signed a quick greeting at him and sat down on the sofa. Although Fill was able to speak ( _the Radiance screamed a hole into them_ , as they had put it), they greatly preferred to sign, even though it was made difficult by them having only one arm.

 _“I’ve recently been troubled by something,”_ they told him. _“It’s gotten so bad I can barely sleep. I can hardly take my mind off of it…”_

“That doesn’t sound very good. What is it?” he asked.

Fill hesitated. _“…It has to do with my body. You know how we Vessels were created through the Wyrm and the Root creating normal offspring, and then submerging them in void, right? This process was meant to completely hollow us out, leaving no mind, no will, no sex, no gender… I’ve already talked to you about how the first two didn’t pan out, but, the thing about the last two is, they…_ sort of _did.”_

“What are you getting at?” Mimi leaned forward slightly.

_“I don’t have a gender, and until recently, I thought I didn’t have a sex either. But, recently, I’ve discovered something.”_

Fill took a deep breath, clenching their hand into a fist before releasing. _“I have… certain sexual parts. They aren’t exactly like normal bug genitals, but they seem to lean more towards the, to put it simply, male side of the spectrum.”_

_“I really don’t like having them, but I don’t know what to do about it.”_

“Ah,” Mimi nodded. “So, they’re causing you dysphoria? Your… parts?”

Fill cocked their head. “ _D-Y-S-P-H-O-R-I-A?”_ they fingerspelled.

“It means a profound state of distress. You said you’ve been so troubled you can’t sleep or take your mind off of it. That sounds like dysphoria to me,” Mimi explained, adjusting his glasses. “I’ve had some experience with that myself.”

 _“Really?”_ they asked. _“How do I deal with it?”_

“That sort of depends. You’re sure that this dysphoria is caused by your parts?”

 _“Yes! I never felt this terrible before until I discovered my penis, and since then I’ve been completely consumed! I can barely function!”_ Their signing became more sloppy as they got more emotional. _“I—I’m not a boy! I’m not meant to have this—this thing hiding in my slit! I shouldn’t have so much as a slit in the first place!”_

If Vessels could cry, Fill would be bawling. They could feel their throat aching, reflexively making a few small, near-silent whimpers. Their whole body was trembling.

Mimi nodded. “I see. This is specifically gender dysphoria—that is to say, your parts are incongruent with your gender identity in a way that’s causing extreme distress. The only tried and true solution is surgery.”

Their staggered breathing halted. _"_ _…Surgery?"_ they signed nervously.

“I know you have trauma around blades, but surgical methods have advanced greatly since you were sealed. Surely, you’ve heard of anesthesia? It allows the patient to effectively pass out into an unfeeling, undreaming state akin to sleep, in which the doctor can operate without causing the patient pain. I believe that if you had surgery to remove your… problematic parts, it would get rid of your dysphoria.”

Fill stared at Mimi, thinking it over. They really wanted to get rid of this dysphoria, but also, they had been protective of their body since the moment they realized they were allowed to be their own bug, with no one looming over their shoulder—no Pale King, no Radiance, nobody.

 _“I’m not comfortable with the idea of someone else messing with my body,”_ they signed, and then pointed at their missing arm.

“Right, well… I’m not sure what else would help,” Mimi admitted. “You could try to hide it, or cover it up? That can sometimes provide some short-term relief. Wearing gender-affirming clothing can also help with dysphoria—but I’m not sure how that would work out for someone without a gender. Uh, I know you’re a painter, and in my experience, making art also helps, so you could do that.”

Fill pressed their head into their hand and sighed. _I’ll think about it. Thank you, I’ll be going now._

“Thank you too.” Mimi nodded politely as Fill stood up and left the office.

They swore they could feel something run down their cheek.


	2. Time at Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> content warning: vomit

Fill sat before a canvas, their arm limp by their side. The paintbrush had fallen out of their hand onto the wooden floor. Their legs were pressed tightly together as they cried.

On one hand, they were somewhat relieved. They had finally figured out how to properly cry, with tears and everything. Just by willing a little bit of their void out of their eyes, they could simulate tears. The rest came naturally.

On the other hand, they were even more dysphoric than ever. Just putting a name to this feeling caused it to become exponentially worse, leaving them inconsolable as they sobbed over the fact that they had a dick.

There on the canvas was a sloppy painting of a crude tendril leaking blood from its underside, having been removed from a larger being. Fill just wanted to rip their dick out and be rid of it, be rid of this dysphoria, but there was no way they could bring themself to do that. One, it would be incredibly painful, and two, the wound would probably get infected.

Their mind drifted again to the thought of surgery, and they remembered what Mimi said. The thought of going unconscious and being left at the mercy of a stranger made them want to puke…

But, having this penis was hurting them to the point where they wanted to kill themself.

They hardly had enough energy to do anything. Crying had tired out both their body and mind. At this point they just felt overloaded and confused.

Fill flopped onto the floor, curled up into a ball, and vomited. Maybe it was from the dysphoria, or maybe they had gotten heat stroke. Either way, they didn’t care. They stayed there, unmoving in the cold bile and food chunks, and let themself slip away into unconsciousness.  


  
If they dreamed, they didn’t remember it.  


  
When they woke up, it was early in the morning, right at the crack of dawn. The pool of vomit had dried up, leaving residue on their arm, shirt, and part of their mask.

It stunk. They had to get up and clean this mess.

…

They didn’t.

They were just as exhausted as they had been when they went to sleep.

_Get up,_ they told themself. _You have to clean this up._

They blinked tiredly.

_This vomit is going to damage the floorboards… Come on. Get up._

A moment passed.

They sighed.

Everything felt cold. Their body, the floor, the vomit—for a moment they thought back to the days at the White Palace, where the King’s servants would bathe them when they got too dirty—even the air was biting cold.

It felt even worse than the heat.

Their arm was aching. So was their stomach.

_Imagine if I starved to death right at this spot, and then when my body is found, they mistake me for a boy because of my anatomy. Is that how I want to be remembered? A boy who died in a puddle of his own vomit?_

…They slowly pushed themself up, hissing in pain. Their head was aching, as well. _Perhaps I should take the day off, and focus on cleaning myself and the floor._

Fill stumbled to the bathroom. Before they knew it, they were dry-heaving over the sink. Their empty stomach only let up a bit of bile.

_Well, I guess I do have a bit of heat stroke. In conjunction with dysphoria. Wonderful._

They turned to look at the bath, and dread slowly creeped up on them.

Bathing would be the best way to clean their body off.

It would also be the best way to get a front row view of their dick.

Tensing up in a way that was invisible on the outside, a way that they had been in the habit of for their whole life, they turned the faucet handle and let the bath slowly fill with water.

_Dirtmouth’s infrastructure has gotten so advanced in such little time,_ they thought idly.

_…Wait. What if I try to distract myself from my dysphoria by thinking about other things? That’s so obvious, I can’t believe I didn’t think about it until now! Uh, let’s stay on the topic of infrastructure…_

The bath was a quarter of the way full.

_So, pipes. The water supply system was constructed by the Dirtmouth government over the course of a couple years, modelled after the drainage systems from the City of Tears. Because the construction involved countless pipes being built underground, care had to be taken to avoid creating sinkholes. Mayor Hornet oversaw every step of the construction._

_When they were building the pipes under my house, she tried to make conversation with me. I ignored her. She stopped trying pretty soon._

The bath was halfway full.

_I don’t care that we’re siblings. Both of us know that bloodline doesn’t and shouldn’t determine who you make friends with._

_People sometimes give me shit that I’m so distant from her—“What? The mayor’s your sister?! That’s so awesome! How come you guys don’t talk, though? Did you get in a fight or something?”—No, we’re just not close with each other???_

The bath was mostly full. Fill turned off the tap, knowing that if it were any fuller, it would overflow when they got inside.

_I just don’t understand it. Why does our blood relation have to make us friends? I don’t care about family. I make friends with people who are nice to me, not with people who happen to originate from the same ballsack._

They almost got in, but remembered.

_I need to get undressed first…_

They took off their short-sleeved shirt, leaving it on the floor.

Then, they removed their pants, one leg at a time.

They grimaced, closed their eyes, and ripped off their underwear.

Then, they sat in the bath.

The water was lukewarm and went up to their chest. It wobbled so slightly with their movement. Their mind felt wobbly.

Slowly, Fill opened their eyes.

They groaned. The tip of their dick was poking out of their slit.

Back when they were smaller, their crotch had been completely flat, not that they had any opportunity to explore their own body. Their genitals only became prominent after their final molt, soon before they had been sealed to contain the Radiance.

_Thinking back on it, it’s a miracle neither of us ever found out about that part of my body… Guess she and I were both focused on other stuff._

Even after they were freed, they didn’t think much of it. They hadn’t quite realized what it was.

_It was only about a month ago, when I had gotten curious as to what exactly that little nub between my legs was. I had already known about genitals because of a textbook I had read, and I wasn’t sure what kind of genital the thing in my crotch was._

_So, I stimulated it._

_And it grew._

_In the moment, I didn’t really know what to think. I was just sort of overtaken by curiosity._

_I recognized it as being similar to a penis. It was about the same length as my hand, and it was sort of floppy._

_Touching it felt somewhat good._

Their breath grew heavy. The more they thought of their dick, the more it flushed and poked out. They pressed their legs together, but that just made them more aware of the pulsing organ between their thighs.  


  
Fill started crying again.  


  
They weren’t sure how long they got trapped in that spiral of dysphoria, but they broke out of it only when the water had turned cold, and their penis had finally started to retreat back into its slit.

_…I still haven’t cleaned myself._

They grabbed the brush and started scrubbing their arm. The dried vomit residue was hard to remove, but it came off eventually.

Eventually.

Their arm felt like it had been peeled apart, but they got the vomit off. The water had turned dark.

There was still vomit on their mask, though.

Time to scrub more.

After scrubbing until their face felt raw, they decided it was enough. They got out of the tub and let the dirty water drain out.

They dried themself off with a towel, walked back into the living room, and sighed as they looked out the window.

It was already midday.


	3. Ugh

“Ugh” was the only word that went through Fill’s mind, and it wasn’t even really a word. After writing off yesterday as an off day, they had managed to clean the floor, drink a little water, and then flop onto the bed for what barely counted as sleep.

They woke up just as tired as they had been last night.

“Ugh,” they said to themself, forcing their body to get up, though they were a bit wobbly due to the heat stroke. Their head ached.

They would probably have to send a few letters to their patrons—those paintings would _not_ get finished in time.

They went to the kitchen and got a packet of dried oatmeal. They didn’t have the energy to make an actual meal. They poured the oatmeal into a bowl, put in some water, and then placed it on the stovetop.

_Gas burners are the best invention ever,_ they thought as they turned one of them on. _Besides the quill, that is._

They grabbed a spoon and stirred the slowly warming oatmeal. Even though they knew they couldn’t work at full capacity today, they still wanted to do _something._ Being unproductive two days in a row was something they wouldn’t allow.

Eventually, the oatmeal was warm enough and mixed enough to be palatable. Fill turned the burner off, gingerly grabbed the bowl of oatmeal by the side, and laid it on the counter.

They ate the oatmeal slowly. It was bland, but it was food. Their headache slightly subsided.

Eventually, the oatmeal was completely eaten, with only a few specks left. Fill placed the bowl with the rest of the dirty dishes and went over to the painting room.

_I’ll do what I can. Even though I know overworking myself is unhealthy._

They grabbed one of their unfinished works, placed it atop an easel, sat in front of it, and went, “Ugh.”

Their mind was drifting to the thought of their genitals again.

_How am I so bad at suppressing this?! I spent_ years _hiding my impurities from everyone, but now a little bit of dysphoria is making me useless?!_

Digging their fingers into their thigh, they had an obvious realization.

_Suppression won’t do any good. I need to get this removed, ASAP._

Fill stood up with determination, grabbed a stray piece of paper, and left the room.

* * *

As one of the only surgeons in Dirtmouth, Kaedes had been asked to do all sorts of operations. Some were for medical reasons—amputating rotten limbs, repairing damaged or sickly organs, correcting birth defects—while others were cosmetic—changing stuff like facial proportions or limb length. Unlike some of her colleagues, she was fine with performing just about any sort of operation, even the ones most would call “frivolous.” She only drew the line at operations that would only harm the patient, without causing them any sort of quality-of-life improvement or health benefit. With the amount of operations she had done, she thought, surely, she had seen it all!

However, one morning, she received a letter requesting an operation that she hadn’t thought of before: complete genital removal.

The request came from the mayor’s sibling, Fill, of all people. Kaedes had known that Fill was made of void, and also genderless, so she had figured they just didn’t have genitals.

This assumption was very wrong. Fill was, biologically speaking, a male, and needed to have their genitals removed to relieve dysphoria.

Transgender bugs weren’t unheard of in Dirtmouth. Kaedes had performed her fair share of sex-changing operations, but all of those were about converting one type of genital to a different type. The only time that parts of genitals were removed was when it was medically necessary, and even then, it was never _all_ of the genitals that was removed.

The wasp hesitated for a moment, staring at the letter she held in her tarsi. She put it away and started writing a response.


	4. Almost There

Fill read the response letter carefully.

Then they read it again, just to make sure.

They pinched themself.

And then they burst into tears of joy.

They were going to have a consultation with Dr. Kaedes! They weren’t going to have their genitals removed just yet, but they were actually going to be able to talk with an actual doctor about this!

The letter said to come in for a consultation ‘whenever it would be convenient’…

They could go there right then!

With the hesitation of a rampaging Garpede, Fill departed for Kaedes’ office.

* * *

“Hello, Fill,” said Kaedes.

_“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Doctor,”_ Fill signed in response.

“Likewise. Please take a seat… First off, I’d like to ask you a few questions.”

_“Very well.”_

“Just to make sure I understood your message correctly—you want me to completely remove your genitals?

_“Yes, of course. I don’t like having them. I’m not a boy, so having such… boyish parts down there makes me feel very bad and gross. It gives me dysphoria. I just want nothing down there. No genitals.”_

“Hm. I see. I was going to ask what your reason was, but… You just told me why. Now, I’ve operated on plenty of transgender bugs, but you’re the first who’s wanted their genitals removed. Here’s my next question: are you aware of the effects that removing your genitals—especially your gonads—will have on your physical health?”

_“Well, to be honest, I don’t know. I’m the only Vessel that I know of. The Pale King did take a lot of notes on how I was created and meant to work, but most of those notes are either gone or illegible. I’m pretty sure I’m infertile, since I’ve never gone into ‘heat’ or anything like that, so not having gonads shouldn’t really affect my health much… I think.”_

“Interesting,” said Kaedes. “That’s going to pose a bit of an issue.”

_“It’s not going to be the only issue, Doctor. You see, I…”_

Fill hesitated. _“I’m sort of very badly afraid of blades. I despise being around blades. I can hardly stand to think of them. Yet, I know that the only way you would be able to remove my genitals is to cut them out. Using a blade.”_

“Ah.” Kaedes paused. “I was about to suggest using anesthetic on you, but I remembered: you’re a Vessel; we have no idea how your body would react to it.”

_“Exactly. And I do_ not _want to undergo a medical procedure while being able to feel everything being done, especially not one done to such a sensitive area.”_

“Hm… We’re in a bind, aren’t we?”

_“I think we are.”_

Kaedes thought for a moment. “We won’t know how your body reacts to anesthetic _yet_. So why don’t we try to figure it out?”

_“What do you mean?”_

“I’ve got this experiment that I do from time to time on bugs with more… peculiar biology. I try giving a patient very small doses of various kinds of anesthetic—so small they would barely make a Tiktik woozy—and see what sort of reactions they cause.”

_“Really? …How would you even get any useful data from giving me doses that tiny? Wouldn’t they just do nothing?”_

“Even a small dose can have observable effects. And it’s also useful to know when a drug is ineffective.”

_“Oh, alright. When will we do this experiment.”_

“I think we have time to do it right now, actually! But first, you’ve got to sign this consent form…”

* * *

Kaedes’ experiment revealed two things.

First, Fill wasn’t immune to any of her anesthetics (thank goodness).

Second, they were a total _lightweight._

“I… Honestly, Fill, if I didn’t know better, I’d think you were faking your high,” said Kaedes to Fill, who was in the middle of loudly singing a folktune while mispronouncing half of the words and almost falling off of the table.

“I’ll just babysit you until this wears off, I guess… Note to self: their drug tolerance is even less than that of a Tiktik.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fill, approximately an hour later: "...Why do I have a hangover?"
> 
> (If you're wondering why they're such a lightweight despite being so big, I imagine that their void just completely absorbs anything that gets put into it. So they fully metabolize any drugs they consume, letting them get high on basically anything)


	5. Nullification

Fill snapped to awareness, standing upon a table. Their head hurt a little.

They looked around. They were still in Kaedes’ office, and the wasp was currently standing next to the table cautiously holding out her arms.

 _“What’s going on?”_ they signed. _“…And why do I have a headache all of a sudden?”_

“…Oh,” Kaedes sighed, “has it worn off?”

_“Has what…?”_

“That microdose of anesthetic I gave you. You’re a lot more of a lightweight than I thought. Seriously, you were completely wasted there for a moment!” said Kaedes. “It seems that the Void making up your body can metabolize things extremely efficiently. So I suppose it makes sense that such a small dose would affect you so strongly… and that it would wear off so quickly.”

Fill carefully stepped down from the table. _“How long did it last?”_

“About ten minutes.”

_“Ah. That’s not very long.”_

“Indeed. However, keep in mind that that was from a dose that normally wouldn’t even affect a bug of your size. I’m sure a dose large enough to fully knock you unconscious would last long enough to complete a genital removal operation.”

_“Good to hear. Speaking of… Now that we’ve confirmed that anesthetics affect me, how about we schedule that operation?”_

“Of course!”

* * *

The scheduling went by really quick. By just signing their name on a few more informed consent forms, Fill had arranged an operation in just a week.

They were a bit disappointed that they couldn’t have it even sooner, but they wouldn’t look a gift stag in the mouth. This was it.

In the intervening week, their mood was a lot better. Even though they still had their genitals, the knowledge that they would soon be removed let Fill power through it. They managed to finish their paintings on time, even!

Then, that long-awaited day came.

Fill once more entered Kaedes’ office.

“It’s good to see you again, Fill.”

_“Likewise.”_

“Come, let’s not waste time.” Kaedes stood up. “Let’s head to the operating room.”

Fill could hardly keep themself from shaking with excitement.

They giddily lied down on the operating table. Kaedes was doing something that they couldn’t see with her back turned to them, but they heard liquid pouring. She turned back around, holding a wet rag in one hand and a small bottle in the other.

“OK, I’ve poured the anesthetic onto this rag,” she said as she placed it onto their face. “Please take a few deep breaths, in, then out…”

They obeyed. Closing their eyes, they breathed in, suppressing a wince at the strong, bitter smell. Then, they breathed out.

In, then out.

In, then out…

In… then out…

In…

then…

“Ah, you’re up.”

…out? Fill looked around. They were still on the operating table, but something felt different.

“Probably feels like no time passed at all, eh?” Caedes asked as she stood over the table. “I’ve completed the surgery. You no longer have genitals!”

 _Huh?! Really?!_ Fill tilted their head down, slightly raising themself with their arm to look between their legs.

Bandages covered their groin, which felt mostly numb. They could see that where there had once been a bulge, their crotch was now flat, and even a bit concave.

“Now you just have a little hole for your urethra. Other than that, it’s all gone: the penis, the slit, the testicles, everything,” said Caedes.

_“Thank you.”_

“Just doing my job!” she smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter took so long to make, and sorry that "they need to overcome their fear of blades" thing didn't go anywhere, too. I sort of lost all the motivation I had to write this fic. At least now it's finally over.


End file.
